Coming Out Non-Binary: What does it mean to you?

[cross posted to Transcending Boundaries, Inc.’s blog 10/11/2013]

Oct. 11th is Coming Out Day, where queer folks of all stripes are encouraged to come out of the closet. Coming out is a process of revelation and storytelling – being true to oneself and communicating this truth to others. Most of us are used to the standard LGBT coming out narrative – you tell your family, friends, coworkers, etc., and then *BOOM*, you’re out of the closet forever. But for the B, the T and the hidden letters of gender, sexual and relationship minorities, coming out of the closet can be a very different process.

For trans* persons in particular, coming out can cost one’s job, family, health care and safety. And for many trans* persons, there is little choice about “being out”. For those who do not “pass” or who change gender presentation or legal sex, the closet can sometimes be a pretty tough place to find.

Bisexual and pansexual persons, on the other hand, often face a constant coming out process as they are routinely mistaken for straight, gay or lesbian. Many face a “double closet”, having to come out both to straight people and the gay and lesbian community, facing possible discrimination and alienation from both sides.

Asexuals have the unenviable task of simply having to explain what asexuality *is* when coming out to most folks.

Genderqueer individuals can face a whole combination of the above – being so gender variant that they have little choice about being “out”, facing a double closet when they can pass for different genders in different situations, or having to explain what terms like genderfluid, neutrois, or agender are in the first place.

Polyamorists can also face serious consequences such as loss of child custody when publicly coming out. Both mainstream and the LGBT community can be hostile to those who upset the dynamic of “only one significant other allowed.”

Intersex persons often come out either to protest past injustices committed against them or to identify themselves as members of a third sex. They bravely choose not to hide, exposing private details of their lives and leaving themselves open to Otherness.

So, dear readers, what have YOUR coming out experiences been like? What prompts you to come out to some people, but not others? Are their some identities/labels you are out about and others you’ve kept in the closet? How do you navigate through multiple identities and levels of outness? How do other aspects of your life, such as ethnicity or religion, affect your coming out process?

Bi/Pan Pride Day Coming Up!

[cross posted from Transcending Boundaries, Inc.’s blog at
http://www.transcendingboundaries.org/blog/208-bi-pan-pride-day-coming-up.html]

This Monday, September 23^rd, is Bi Pride Day (aka Celebrate Bisexuality Day), where bisexuals, pansexuals and all other non-monosexuals celebrate being their own flavors of queer. So if you’re bi, pan, fluid or an ally, how can YOU join the festivities?

Locally, events are taking place in Boston and Washington, DC – details can be found at http://binetusa.blogspot.com/2013/09/2013-BiPrideDay-Events-Worldwide.html. Boston will celebrate on Sep. 27^th at the Lir Pub with appetizers, games, Unsung Hero and Bi Ally Awards, as well as plenty of other fun. In DC, the first ever OFFICIAL Bi Pride Day will be held, with a forum on ‘Bi at Any Age’, sponsored by SAGE of Metro DC, AMBi, and the DC Center for the LGBT Community.

In addition, a Bi Visibility Day celebration and fundraiser for bi-trans activist Bryan Ellicott will light up the Stonewall Inn in New York City with the B & the T on Sep. 23^rd. Details are available at http://www.meetup.com/bisexual-nyc/events/140002902/.

But perhaps some of the most fun parties are the ones that take place in your homes and local pride centers. Plan a party for bisexual/pansexual friends and allies. String up the lights, play the music, and when people ask you why you’re partying on a Monday night, tell them why with PRIDE!

Hang a bisexual flag from your home! Write a blog about bisexuality. List some facts. Write your own personal experience. Dye your hair pink, blue and purple. (Yes, I did that one year. It was fabulous.) Wear your bisexual and queer pins wherever you go, slap a bumper sticker on your car, and leave pamphlets in conspicuous places. (I humbly recommend our bisexual/pansexual /fluid pamphlet at http://transcendingboundaries.org/pdf/bisexuality_brochure.pdf.) Print out bisexual fact sheets at http://binetusa.blogspot.com/2013/03/2013-bisexual-fact-sheet.html. Print out ‘How To Be an Ally’ pamphlets at http://www.biresource.net/Bi_Ally_Brochure.pdf. Buy some bisexual swag at BiNet USA’s store at http://www.zazzle.com/binetusa. (Seriously, they have great t-shirts, buttons and more.)

And if you want to do more than celebrate your ‘more than one’ sexuality, but also actually SUPPORT those making a difference on your behalf, MAKE A DONATION to organizations who are doing real work for bisexual, pansexual and fluid folks. BiNet USA, the Bisexual Resource Center, local bi/pan organizations in your area and, yes, Transcending Boundaries (www.transcendingboundaries.org) are some of the very few organizations, all with limited budgets, trying to bring bisexual/pansexual/fluid issues to the fore and often partnering with other ignored queer groups, like transgender folks, for mutual uplift.  Very few large LGBT organizations are paying attention, so we need to be LOUD and VISIBLE ourselves.

So to all the non-monosexuals – let your colors fly high and make next week the best Bi Pride Week ever! And if you have any parties of your own, let us hear about them! We promise we won’t laugh at any goofy pictures. 🙂

Erasure Looks Like This.

[cross-posted to Transcending Boundaries’ blog at http://www.transcendingboundaries.org/blog.html]

Bisexual. Pansexual. Fluid. Pan-romantic. These are just a few of the non-monosexual identities and expressions that exist in our fantastic queer world. All describe people who are attracted to more than one gender/sex. And all describe people who know what it’s like to be Erased. Misrepresented. Marginalized. Ridiculed. Not only by mainstream society, but by their queer allies in the gender and sexual minority communities. And lest anyone should think that’s a trivial matter, it’s not. It has some serious goddamn consequences.

I am bisexual. Or pansexual. Both labels suit me. If you stick ten people like me in a room, statistical odds are that four of us have seriously considered or attempted suicide. I am one of them. This suicidality rate is higher than for gays, lesbians or heterosexuals. (I’m not aware of any data on asexuals.) Similarly, the rates for poverty, intimate partner abuse, rape and sexual abuse, depression and other mood disorders, and poor overall health are also higher than for gays and lesbians. Bisexuals are paid less and less likely to be out to health providers. Or coworkers. Or family. Or anyone. And it’s hard to blame them, when coming out earns us monikers like traitor, indecisive, deluded, attention seeker, greedy, slut and fake.

With bisexuals et al. experiencing such adverse effects distinct from gays and lesbians, you’d think there must be some serious effort to root out and address the cause, right? Nope. Between 1970 and 2010, grants for the bisexual population totaled about $84,000. In comparison, grants for gay men and lesbian populations totaled about $64,000,000 and grants for transgender/gender nonconforming populations totaled about $16,000,000. And between 2008 and 2012, only $5,000 in grants was awarded to bisexual-specific projects or organizations. Additionally, no major national LGBT organization currently has a project geared toward the bisexual/non-monosexual population.

Not a one. $5,000. Is that really all we rate? I’m not ready to accept that the constant, daily erasure of our sexual orientations, and the isolation and the pain that this causes, is somehow reasonable. Four out of ten of us decide at some point our lives aren’t worth living. Is that not enough?

Of course, many of us in the Transcending Boundaries community wear other identities, like transgender and genderqueer and polyamorous and intersex, etc. I also identify as genderqueer, intersex and poly. How do these OTHER marginalized identities intersect with my bisexuality?

Well, some days it feels like I’m erased almost into oblivion. My sexuality is not real, because I am not gay or straight. My gender is not real, because I am not male or female. My physical sexual attributes are considered a deformity. For those of us who straddle these boundaries, who live in the in-between, we cannot just tackle one aspect of our being and ignore the others, or we will never be seen for the complex, beautiful beings that we are. And we deserve to be seen. Lately I have gratefully watched the trans*/GNC community blossom. But I have also watched the words “gay, lesbian and bisexual” turn into “gay, lesbian and transgender” in media stories and wondered…is it really that hard to include us all? Did I fight so hard for trans* inclusion only to watch bi inclusion pop out the other side? I can’t do that. I can’t choose between the two.

It is time for the bisexual/pansexual/non-monosexual community to become not only visible, but loud. It is time for the greater queer community to recognize that the struggles specific to biphobia and bisexual invisibility have very real, damaging consequences. We cannot afford to be an extraneous letter in the LGBT acronym or a polite afterthought. At least, four out of ten of us certainly can’t.*

[*If that ‘four out of ten’ reference reminds you of the 40% attempted suicide rate among trans*/GNC people – bingo. Neither the B nor the T can afford to be silenced, hence the alliances Transcending Boundaries works to build. But those are two subjects for other posts.]

Sources:
Bisexual Invisibility: Impacts and Recommendations (San Francisco Human Rights Commission)
http://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/19907257/biinvisibility-FULLfinalforHRC.pdf
BiNet USA
http://binetusa.blogspot.com/2013/03/2013-bisexual-fact-sheet.html